31.Ene.99
ESCRITOS MORTALES
Esta seccion esta dedicada muy en especial a Maria Fernando Alarcon Flores, todo lo qe aqi esta transcrito son unicamente de ella, todos los versos, las historias, poemas y demas son de ella, checa la imaginacion, el sentimiento con qe escribes y solo disfrutalo.
TE ESPERE
Te espere por las noches,
me traslade a tus sue¤os,
te di mi corazon.
No sabia qe amar es de dos,
Te rime en mis poemas
te dediqe la lluvia y el sol.1 Te ense¤e las estrellas.1 te mostre mi interior.
hable con la verdad
pero me llego la curiosidad
de qe yo recibia amor.
Gaste todo mi amor, corazon
y tu lo dejaste pasar,
ahora en mi vacio por dentro
te dedico esta cancion.
Marzo 23 1998
NOTAS
No te qedes escondida en un rincon debajo de las faldas de tu madre si puedo, dando a conocer mi coraje y mi razon.
Amargada yo te apunto con el dedo.
Yo se qe todo te da coraje
y todo te da miedo
pues grabate bien este mensaje,
amargada yo te apunto con el dedo,
Juzgas solo or antojo y tu tuvieras tantito de corazon pensarias poqito aunqe fuera de reojo
Nose qe tienes dentro de tu cabeza qe no sabes lo qe es el amor si estas amargada reza por no qedarte solo qe eso da pavor
Solo piensas qe estas ofendida pues no te das cuentas como es la vida, simplemente dices "tu eres malo" y tu eres la qe da a palo.
1999
He is here, he is there, he is everywhere. But he doesn't talk, he don't help, when you need him he is not there.
He waters, he cries, me laughs at you at night nobody has really see him, but we need him because we pray.
He is scratching his tommy, while he watchs you going crazy of desesperation, when he turns his back on you and sleeps on the clous.
You are sat, you need help, asshole, read the bible and pray.
This great true is bullshit for you, but if you really think about it, you things for yourself.
November 1997
Tu y Yo
El me invito y yo acepte. El dijo qe me qeria y yo lo bese. El me dijo bonita y le crei. El me dijo qe me hablaria y nunca lo hizo. El platico a todos y yo no soporte. El ya no me habla, ni me voltea a ver. El era mi amigo y ya no lo es. El me dijo puta, yo le dije buey. El era un cabron, yo una mujer. El lo hizo por calentura, yo por mi amor con locura. El le esta haciendo lo mismo a otra, yo ya no aguante. Yo le hable, el no contesto. Yo le grite, el me resongo. Yo me qeje, el se molesto. Yo no le hable, a el le valio.
Ahora no molesta a nadie, y lo perdone. Yo lo interrogue, el no me contesto. Yo lo mate, el se murio.
Mayo 1997
Cold blooded ink drinks my words, and trap them in a paper that nobody can feel.
Thought of a painful heart, expresing my bones out, depressiong lines, creepy life.
November 1997
PETALOS EN SANGRE
Enloqecida de ansias cerre los ojos y me traslade a tu cuarto, contemple tu rostro por unos minutos, me meti a tus sue¤os y me apodere de ellos para crear y destruir algo fisicamente irreal y mentalmente real. Construi un mundo de colores totalmente sin sentido, con nubes de algodon, jardines de seda, hadas, unicornios y treboles de cuatro hojas. Te meti ahi para ser parte de el, te abrace, bese a trate de amar, pero tu no respondiste. Hice todo lo posible para llegar a tu corazon, sembre un jardin de rosas solo para tu y nunca lo notaste, ni siqiera volteaste. Yo qede en mi soledad, las espinas de las rosas me desgarraron el corazon y mori por amor.
Ahora te observo a cada noche qe suenas y lloro porqe nunca has visto el jardin de rosas donde debajo de los petalos en sangre yasco hoy.
Febrero 1998
Tomalo como un regalo, como cari¤o, no te enfades, ella te qiere y no le importa e pienses de ella. Si pudiera te podria decir cada momento qe nos vimos, el clima, tu ropa, el dia, la hora, solo son hechos qe se dieron, no sucedieron y se olvidaron. El mirar, el hablar, el oir, el tocar, el gustar, el qe tuvo la culpa de separar.
Qe nunca paso, qe se olvido, yo no te olvide.
En el reflejo de mi carta, en las plumas de mi almohada, en el agua clara, en las plumas de mi almohada, en el agua clara, en las letras de los libros, en el aire, en el vino, en los meses y los dias, en el tiempo y la cordura, en mis locuras y mis risas, en mi soledad, tu imagen siempre estara.
Marzo 12 1998
PRETENDAMOS...
Con el coraz˘n abierto.
Sentimientos vacilantes ke producen nostalgia.
La verdad es solo una mentira y el silencio maldice el amor, tu silencio es una daga ke me desgarra formando un vacio para los dos.
Ya no vale la pena pretender felicidad y kiero ke me heriste.
No eres mas ke un hombre pretendiendo ser.
Pretendamos ser felices sin hablarnos.
Pretendamos ke no existen hechos.
Pretende ser un idiota, mientras tanto tus ojos no seran capaces de verme, ni tus oidos de escucharme.
Mientras tanto sere una mujer mas en la vida y tu un hombre incontinente.
Procura no toparte en mi camino, yo procurare no herirte.
Intentemos ser sentidos opuestos, mientras tanto moriremos.
Pretende no entender mis palabras, yo tratare de ke ellas no se dirijan a ti.
Hagamos un entendido inconprensible para ke asi los demas no se enteren.
Pretende no saber ke estoy ahi, yo me esforzare por no saludarte.
Formemos un orgullo mientras tanto no seras el mismo.
Seamos enemigos y con odio seguiras siendo mio.
Seamos desconocidos y con indiferencia no me podras tocar.
Finjamos ke los besos solo eran intercambio de saliva, mientras tanto mis labios se secan y los recuerdos no existen.
Sobrevivamos con juegos estupidos, ya no importa si tiramos la madurez a la basura.
Adelante, escupeme delante de todos, menospreciame y di ke pense muy serio.
Mejor hagamoslo a tu manera, a la ligera.
Si eres hombre es para ke te aprietes uno.
Si eres grande es para ke pienses.
Vamos! golpeame si eso es lo ke kieres.
MATAME si los deseos murieron!
Pretendamos...
Enero 27 1999
NO SE ENOJEN POR KE ES CC...
Staring at the moon,
liquid on my eyes,
traveling thru time,
waiting for a life.
Tasting de air,
that once filled my lungs.
Living the life,
that is not alive.
Freezing on the heat,
frightened on the light,
Falling apart,
waiting for a gravestone.
Enero 26 1999
CAFE AMARGO
Disuelta en una taza de cafe la miel qe nunca probe, levante la taza para dar un trago, mas sentia el calor qe llegaba a mi labio qe me impedia tomar el cafe, cerre los ojos porqe me hizo recordar aqellos besos qe sin embargo satisfacian mi pasion, al igual qe un cafe amargo satisface tu adiccion.
El cafe caia sobre la mesa, repentinamente me pare y sali corriendo de aqel lugar llego de recuerdos con la intension de huir de mis pensamientos, camine hacia la gran avenida qe solo qedaba a unos cuantos metros. Tome un camion para alejarme de aqellos lugares, tome un asiento, respire profundamente y al volver a cerros los ojos lo vi a el, abri mis ojos de inmediato para qitarme esa imagen, pero aun asi lo veia sentado al lado de mi, todavia me qedaba aqel delisioso saber del Cafe Amargo qe a la vez no lo soportaba, abri mi bolsa para tomar una menta y al encontrar mi espejo lo tome para mirarme, en el espejo me reflejaba amargamente, sin poder dibujar una sonrisa y me dio asco al verme a mi misma, solte el espejo y comenze a llorar, la gente me veia raramente como vez a un deforme. Tome mi bolsa, me puse mis gafas oscuras, pues mis ojos estaban rojos y me baje del camion a un lugar desconocido. Comenze a caminar entre la obscuridad y veia sombras de el, su cara, su cuerpo y hasta sentia su respirar.
Como un hombre se puede qedar en tu mente mas no en tu corazon? Qeria huir, pero de qien, tal vez de mi misma, de mis pensamientos, de los recuerdos qe me atormentan pero era imposible. Qeria gritar, qeria amar, qeria desgarrarme el corazon, qeria, qeria, qeria no confundirme mas. Dentro en la noche sin estrellas, qede parada entre el frio viento y mire al cielo en busca de ayuda, llore y llore hasta qe se acabaron las lagrimas.
Mire hacia abajo y mire el rio qe corria rapido, rosando las rocas, enlamandolas, rompiendo el silencio. No estaba segura de lo qe hacia "brincare?", "y si se solucionan mis problemas?". Eso fue lo ultimo qe paso por mi mente cuando hiba a caer y una mano me detuvo, voltee y era el. "Alejate!, salte de mi imaginacion!" pero me di cuenta qe era real, me abrazo, yo no lo podia creer, pense qe yo ya habia muerto, pero no.
Ahora sigo disfrutando el sabor del Cafe Amargo qe satisface mi adiccion, igual qe estos besos amargos satisfacen mi pasion.
Febrero 1998
I
Iïm alone, all by myshelf...
This space is filled with pain, and this pain form objects, form creatures. Itïs back! the pain is back now dressed in black. I fear from the outside world. This anger give me strenght, thatïs why i still existing, transforming, hurting. I'm walking here all alone with a tear on my face, with revarich on my heart. Each step that i give is not advancing, but is elevating to a world that is called hell. Not to worry, but the deadly girl is back, fear your movements, fear your shadow, fear yourself 'cause i'm watching, i will squeze your borres out. Misery will cover the streets while i burn your soul with my red eyes from very deep inside of the concentrated feelins that can explode any time
The pain, the pain killed me long time ago, when i was the princess, when i walked on the hall of the castle, when the traitors where close to me. Now i'm the queen of the kingdom of darkness, and the king is the same Devil from the bible the satifice me with pain.
II
Depresion is a subject that i always touch, right now itll be in spirit with my pen and my brain.
I never wanted anything to be lovely, i don't like pretty things, but loneliness is a part of myself, and this scary.
He was there watching me while i moved, i felt in this eyes that he was making out a fantasy with me, something sexual. I notice that my body changed, I was not a girl anymor, but i'm a woman with breast and hips. I don't feel happy, but i feel hot when i dance on the table of my king.
Today oi woke up from the bed with the wish of killing somebody. I walked with bare foot, even if raven punish me, to the mirror that is besides the window where the gargoles wath us making love. The walls are made of store, there is a big tall wood door on the right side with metal creatures the scream someone is comming, and the view is the most beautiful of my kingdom. I can watch the acid river of dead hopes runing down to the valley. I looked at myshelf on the mirror, my skin still white as cocaine, my hair still black like my soul, y beauty is not more that an orgasm full of love
Even if this is the home my mind i feel lonely and sad. I dressed up touching me, loving me, i tried to looked like a new princess. From my room i could heat the bitter voices talking, anoying, and knew that i had to go out again.
III
I went out of my room, the phone rang, it was my.
Cualiqer dia de cualqier a¤o
This Letter
This letter is to danger, is writen with tears, is talking a peace from myself. Is not an exit, is a choice, i'm unpluggin my life from the world, i', talking out my escence. Everything went wrong, everything was here... but a didn't care, i didn't believe in life itself.
This letter is to the creatures that push me to the edge, 'cause they know that i'm here they know that i exist. I'm exahusted, to intense for my capacity, to much for a girl.
This letter is to the poems that i write with the rest of my heart 'cause is a way to go out, is with my depressing mind.
This letter is to love, 'cause it came to me but left so fast with a part of my soul, of my hopes.
This letter is to God 'cause i don't believe in him,
This letter is to the angels that don't fly arcund me and to the gargoles that touch me.
This letter is to depression that never left me, to templattion that gave me problems, to anger that give me strenght.
This letter is to whore men, to assholes 'cause i dindn't say fuck you, but revanch and patience is best.
This letter is to loneliness that now walks with me to the end.
All the Days
12.03 pm.
14/4/97
Sedona 96
96'
HATE
If i hat a gun i'll shot
If a hat four hands i'll choke
I hate with all my heart
I'm a deadly girl
HATE! HATE!
My tears are blood
from the murder o imagine
I make a wound to myself
with the knife of my pain
If hat a rope i'll hang
If i hat a bridge i'll jump
If i hat enough prozac i'll intoxicate
i hate with all my heart
I'm a deadly girl
HATE! HATE!
My depression has taken
my sense of humor,
imy soul and my love
I watch people with anger
I kiss poison, i don't have control
If a hat a bomb i'll blow
If i hat an electrical chair i'll sit
If i hat a knife i'll cut my veins
i hate with all my heart
I'm a deadly girl
HATE! HATE!
July 24 1998'
IN MY ROOM
Nothing comes to my mind right now, maybe because i'm thinking of everything and everything means nothing, 'cause you can't have everything at the same time and if you have it, means nothing. But wht the fuck i should tell you how to be if i'm nothing.
I'm sitting in my room, right now watting for a love but why am i fooling myself. I said "love doesn't exist" but a don't wanna touch that subject.
Nothing is real in this life, we are all clowns, nothing is true, nothing is forever.
I'm sick, it's called loneliness. I see from a different angle. I dream reality, i live fantasy. Everetime that i start to think is as if i put a bullet on the guhi. I better shut my mount.
I'm here sitting on my bed, wishing to die, begging to life itself to give me power. But i'm weak, i don't even home the strenght to ask for something. Maybe i expect to much from it. maybe i feel lonely 'cause i need to be aline. But those ears doesn't hear me. Those tongues want to hert me, to bite me.
And i won't pray because i don't have a God, i don't play 'cause i dont have a heart. And i love without loving, I live without living. I smile with a wound, I cry with a smile.
I sleep crying, I live dying. I tal smiling.
SEDONA
the sweet heat of her spirit
just the mind was gone
because the fear didn't need it.
She wasn't crazy
she was hating life
her pain was amazing
because her life had a price.
With her own hand
she put the razor into her neck
and in her beautiful land
she killed at herself on the desk.
The darkness came from the floor
the deviil knocked on the door
the sky forgot her
when the love died
and never, never came back to the life.
November 96'
SEDONA
bring me the guy that smiles
give me back those days of happyness
don't take away of my life the rest of mybreath
i don't want to be part of your world
i wan't to run away
i chose the hell, not this shit.
Bring me the riot on the strees
bring me the welcomes and cheers
give me back the spirit from heart
don't kill my soul and light my life
i don't wan't to be part of your world
i want to run away
I chose life, not a robotic place
Bring me traditions and morals
bring me the ladies and gentlemen
give me back the respect with fun
don't make a bitch
I don't wan't to be part of your world
I wan't to run away
I chose society, not a brothel.
November 14 97'
SEDONA
burning a dry forest,
fightened with a bling terror
and inside your soul a hollow.
Like a stron wind
that takes you breath out.
without any opportunity
and now the moon so far away.
There is no more to lament.
Like a rosebush fll of thorns without movement because wound
down for the biter and crowd rain.
Like a plant without life
like a los life
like a labyrinth without exit
like a exhausted slave.
Inside the dark night,
dark the nigth in you,
fall down the heavy blackness
of a sould who comes to get you.
Snakes, insects, marshs
everthing turns profane
you cant confront it
and now you want to kill.
96'
SEDONA
qemando un bosqe seco
Aterrorizado con un terror ciego
y dentro en tu alma un hueco
Como un fuerte viento
qe va dejandote sin aliento
sin oportunidad alguna
y ahora tan lejos la luna
ya no qeda mas lamento.
Como un rosal lleno de espinas
sin mover porqe lastima,
ahogado por la lluvia,
amargada y turbia.
Como una planta sin vida,
como una vida perdida,
como un laberinto sin salida,
cmo una esclava rendida.
Dentro en la noche oscura,
obscura la noche en ti,
cae pesada la negrura
de un alma qe va por ti.
Serpientes, insectos, pantanos,
todo se vuelve profano,
tu no lo puedes arrastrar
y ahora qieres matar.
96'
GNOMES
The demons are awake, they cut me with their sharp long nails, they fly under the night like dark angels. The play with our lifes, take us and then let us fall down comming back to the line of the slaves that are waiting for another life, for a chance. A black fairy puts a chain on my hands that is connected to the factory of depression. I hear silent screams from the ignorant people that look up to God.
Feline red eyes stare at me, keeping silence, dreaming and lying, hungry for my body.
Each creature wants to rip me apart
March 27 98'
THE FINAL DEPRESSION
As i grew up isaw ghosts that followed me, ghost created by my sad imagination, I would scare me to dead, watching monsters crael up to my bed, feeling claws ripping my body, and imagining a perfect murder to myself. I could see people draw in blood and think there is no sould. Every nigth I would think of suicide, but not that I will do it, just to imagine the drama, who will cry, what will they do to my body, who talk about how crazy I was. I would hear screams while dreaming and see spirits sitting besede me. I would cry all night long asking for help from whoever was there, I would cry until there were no tears left, until there was no hopw, in the morning I would wake up feeling miserable already wanting the day to be over, I would close the curtains and be in the fatal positions until I made up my mind to go out and see people that i can't stand. I would hate sunshite and get horrified seeing animals. It would drive me crasy when people tald about church and God because they wouldn't hear me.
Who saik that life was good, who said that life hurts, that you can feel lonely and have no friends, I'm afraid of things, I'm afraid of humans. I fear the future and my past, I'm lost in the present, I wait for war. I have faith no God, but is not so sad because I have no devil, just a dark side.
No more
EXISTENCIA
Sep 27 98
Die
I don't wanna live just because of life, the people is sucking my life and the mother fucker are pissing me off. Want if I never exist, what if I stop being 'cause I don't pay attetion to the world. I don't care about the rules, I don't understand love. But who cares about what I feel, if I don't understand. Nobody would. I have this so called fobia to life 'cause is not happy, is not sad, its just something that is in there, existing but not transforming. There are to many questions for myself, and I can't stand answers, the words are just words that come from very deep inside of me but i din't know that words turn to bitterns, I din't know that you have to still alive. I better die, I better spread my blood on this sacred land. Why do we have to live, I can't find the purpose of life. I can't find my lovely side.
Is hard to be sadistic, is hard to be an atheist, ignorance is bissed, Is hard to be myself in a place where people think to think and talk to talk. And love and a life and do things just because they have to. I think to putrify mind, I talk to make a disaster, I love to feel the heat, but I don't pray because the only one that is in there is your brain.
Shit, I feel so bad and is not that I don't know what i want, but i know what I don't want. I don't want anything.
And it doesn't matter anymore, call me a bitch, call me a witch, but say it to me, whenever you hate me, tell me "fuck you" on my face.
I'm weak, I'm sick, I don't wanna live to may years, but i want to die with a smile on my face.
November 30 98'
CREATURES
I feel hat from the creatures that crawl below my floor, I hear their bifter voices whisoering, hurting me, trying to judge my footsteps. Envious creatures! ... I'm not steping int your world 'cause what is up is down, what is down is up. Nothing is real, just the fact that i don't need a court, I dont need the sun to shine in me, you are infecting the place.
When the moon goes down I'll be dead and cold, I'm not coming home, I already, have my personality and some weird kind of love.
November 17-18 98'
DARK ANGEL
April 7 98'
ALONE
Kill me now, cut me fast, bite my tongue, do it wrong.
Melting make up, nasty sweat, heat that smell, hate that swear.
Gave up.
Hate me, love me, do something to me.
March 12 98'
MY BLUE DISEASE
Is the worst illness of the world that kills you instantly keeping you alive. Is in my skin, is my brain, it's all over the place. As i walk I leave stains on the way.
It's my blue Disease! fucking crasy of insanty, Is in my world, is in my sould, and is my sun.
Is the bad morning when the mirror don't want to look at you. When the sun is no loger light, and you didn't sleep to loght. You look out stupid neighbor smiling.
It's a cold night without your Tedy bear, is a floating thing in your glass of water, is when you don't understand a joke and you are the joker. Is a path without start, is when you don't get hot water on your bath, and your coffe is stronger than you are.
I hide, I cry, I'm blue Disease. Welcome to the blue zone, to my forced smile, to the countdown to dead, to my backward, to my nothing.
And the worst part, is that I don't even like the color blue.
April 2 98'
ROSE
If i coult only proreit ince, I promess that I won't bother people anymore. Maybe if I never heard about it, I won't be so crasy about it because I wan't to feel it like everybody says it is, But maybe it doesn't exist and is a joke from the people that surrount me.
Feb 14 98'
I WILL
I will paint a chapel with your blood,
I will make you an obsesion,
I will sacrifice you for love.
I will scream until you died,
I will offer to the Gods your heart,
I will kiss you with a lie,
I will rip you apart.
I will let you become twisted,
I will let you walk around,
I will let you be mine,
But I wont let you survive.
September 5 97'
